I have no problem with your basic question: Why should polygamy be illegal?
I just think the "insecurity" rationale for getting to it is rather tortured and a stretch and an almost naive take on things. I think it distracts from your position rather than adds to it, in the sense that it can take the discussion onto a side track that has little to do with what you're really trying to get at. (e.g., somebody might get all hung up on the "insecurity" thing. )
I think the rest of your note, following the "why should polygamy be illegal?" question is direct, sound, and "on track."
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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” – Mark Twain
I get where you are coming from, but I still come back to the follow the line, like pulling a thread on a sweater.
Secure, strong, healthy person starts an emotional affair, not even talking sexual. As a woman, I think the emotional affair is more hurtful than the sexual. He/she knows that they are treading on thin ice, and if it ever comes to light the innocent will be hurt. However, they decide to move forward and risk it all for their desires/needs in secrecy. The partner in this tryst may know or not know they are married.
The one that does know and accepts IMPO is insecure. If they were secure in their mind, they would say "I am worthy to be the only one and I won't share". The insecure paramour will accept the limitations that the married person places on them. In essence, they agree to play 2nd fiddle.
The married member if they were so secure in their decision, than why live in the shadows? Come out and say it. If you think you are doing something right, than there is nothing to fear. If you fear that your actions will risk something that matters, than it is your insecurity that is motivating you.
Fear is an insecurity. We all have fears and it is the level of those fears that impact how secure we are personally.
Affairs happen, trust me my Dad had an affair, my BIL (Bullets brother) had one which lead to divorce. My BIL (Bullet's sisters DH) had an emotional affair where he left her in the end.
I have to say none of them had perfect marriages. They all had extra stressors and this was just the last straw. Each of these women handled it differently, but all had the same end result...divorce. My Mom and my SIL tried to work on it, but their own insecurities created the ability to move past it for the kids. My other SIL immediately decided they were co-parenting and that it wasn't worth it, she couldn't do it for her own needs.
However, again I come back to the same thing. If you hide an affair than it is due to fear, fear is part of your insecurity. Otherwise, you would have an open marriage, which brings us back to why should polygamy be illegal? Bigamist I think should be illegal, but not polygamists. Bigamists hide multiple "legal" marriages. Polygamists only legally marry one spouse, the others have no right to SS, health care, etc, just like the guy who has a child with his mistress.
The polygamist is at least being honest, he is being secure in his own mind, take me, leave me, this is my life and I am not leaving/divorcing my wife ever! The adulterer usually plays the game of when the kids are older; she is going through a hard time her parent is battling cancer; I need to get our assets in order; yadda yadda yadda!
We frown on polygamists because of people like Warren Jeffs and think that is the nien, when shows like Sister Wives and Big Love illustrate that is not the norm. We accept adultery as a society because we see it as a norm.
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Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree
A man who is secure would IMPO be secure enough to step up and say " I am not plugged in" or "I am attracted to someone else" before he acted upon his desires.
An affair is hiding an additional love life. It is IMPO playing both sides. You play both sides when you are not ready to jump. You are not ready to jump if you are unsure of the results...insecure. You want/need both worlds.
Sorry, but for me, as a wife, tell me before you sleep with that woman. Give us a chance or walk away. Anyone who places hiding their needs above others and commitments made; do so because of fear. Fear is an insecurity.
A polygamist, announces minute one I will want more women. He is secure. He is saying accept this life or leave. He gave an option.
As a woman, IMPO, because I would never accept another woman to share a bed with my husband, is insecure. A mistress in a married/committed woman's eye is an interloper, and passed the line. I consider my position as insecure. My opinion probably is this way since my Dad left my mom for a 16 yr younger woman.
Again explain to me your logic, I mean this sincerely, but I don't get how it is not a sign of insecurity.
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Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree
Wouldn't you say the man that has an affair is also insecure too?
I do agree about the marginalizing the male into a minor role within the family. Hate to say it, but part of me believes from a woman's perspective that she wants a family, but is okay to live the life without him too.
I love Bullet, and as an AF wife, I was the norm...when are you going on a deployment? We loved our husbands, but we were so use to our life as a single parent, sometimes they were underfoot and caused disruption.
We missed them when they were gone, but while they were gone we were able to paint, re-do the home without hearing them beaacching at us. They felt guilty for leaving us so even if we screwed up there was no fight...win/win for the wives.
The running joke was that we had Lucy and Ethel moments. We did it and they fixed our mistakes within days after returning home from a 180 day deployment. The guys would literally walk in the home for the 1st time after months and look around the house to see what they had to fix!
Maybe that is why I get that world. Military spouses depend on other spouses like sister wives. They will also lend out their hubby to the friends spouse (not sexual), but for a clog sink, dead car battery, holding the birthday pinata, etc. we will tell them to go to their home and help those wives out. The pinata was always the one where they cringed! Kids and a baseball bat is worse than unclogging a sink at 10 at night!
We are sister wives.
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Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree
And sometimes not. Sometimes it is quite healthy and appropriate, affair or not.
Affairs happen for many more reasons than just love. Never underestimate what a healthy, strong, secure person can be driven to do given the right - or wrong - circumstances.
And never say never.
-- Edited by winchester on Thursday 9th of February 2012 01:57:26 PM
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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” – Mark Twain
Don't you know polygamy already exists nationally...they are called mistresses!
Honestly, tell me the difference of polygamy and long term extra-marital affairs? My dad had a mistress for 7 yrs, until my Mom said enough (found out after 2 yrs). He put her up in an apt., paid her rent, took her on business trips, etc.
Never mind, I will tell you from MPO.
Polygamists are up front and honest.
She knows what she is in for.
Adulterers hide that life and she is emotionally betrayed.
As a woman, if I could emotionally handle Bullet having a 2nd wife, which I couldn't, at least I knew because he was up front and honest with me, and I could walk before moving forward. Hiding another woman behind my back, and others knowing, like friends or co-workers is so much worse.
I watch Sister Wives...think they are insane to share him, but I get it. They knew it when they walked in. The fact that we don't prosecute adultery, and do not shame it, but polygamy is to me inane.
They are the same aren't they. Actually, an adulterer is worse, because in a house of worship, they stated they would cleave to their wife, and forsake all others. Polygamists don't.
Before you go down the road of marrying kids at 15 to a 71 yo, remember LDS has stated publicly that this is not allowed in their church, just like polygamy. Start looking at people like Anna Nicole Smith, and you will see this occurs within our "normal" society.
LDS, is like the Catholic Church or Judaism to me. I would have an issue if the candidate was Tom Cruise or John Travolta...Scientology kind of freaks me out.
-- Edited by pima on Tuesday 7th of February 2012 09:46:31 AM
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Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree
I'm sure you all heard this, but it bears repeating.
"What’s frustrated people is that I have not be able to force Congress to implement every aspect of what I said in 2008,” he said.
“That’s just the nature of being president,” he said. “It turns out that our founders designed a system that makes it more difficult to bring about change than I would like sometimes.
“What I’m going to just keep on doing is plodding away, very persistent. And you know what? One of the things about being president is you get better as time goes on.”
)
We did it and they fixed our mistakes within days after returning home from a 180 day deployment. The guys would literally walk in the home for the 1st time after months and look around the house to see what they had to fix!
