Political & Elections

IMO, You work a little bit harder to make the marriage work. But if you and/or  SO think that marriage is a piece of paper and registration tax, then any marriage or relationship will fail. 

Live together a few more years to discover if stresses will pull the relationship apart. 

Lol. Yes, at that point I think we will want cash and just cash. We'll have already lived together and all that jazz so not much in the way of that...

The funny part is, I already have most of my wedding in my head. I want a small (very small... which might be a problem given his obnoxiously large Catholic family lol... although one aunt has already vowed not to come since it won't be in a church!) wedding on my beach in Traverse City, MI. My best friend will be my person of honor (he is a male) and my mom already told me that he can't wear a dress (boo...). So I think we'll have to figure something else out but I'd really be happy to give them a color and let them pick what dresses they like.

And no fancy dinner. We're not fancy people.

Don't forget those gift registries. ;) I think some of my friends got married just so they could get cool stuff for their homes. And t make us wear ugly bridesmaids dresses!

Ha! :)

I am not very religious. We got married by a justice of the peace. I was willing to live with my partner, but making the commitment was important to both of us. Maybe because both of us came from families where marriage was considered a good thing. Enough so, that when we got married on our own, it upset both families! I thought it was a good thing for our future kids to have a traditional family, down to the legal aspects. I think it kept us together through the difficult times and made me cherish the happy ones. To each his own, though.

Well I hope you do wait and never do it because of pressure from others, but because you want to.

I'm still laying odds that you will understand why people hold marriage in high esteem, years from now. I'm sure attitudes are formed a lot from our parents, and how we grew up. I am most certain that my parents would have split years ago after all that arguing, if they hadn't been married.

You may change your mind as you get older about that. I am an agnostic, and I didn't get married for religious reasons or financial benefits. Those two issues weren't even a consideration. But it was a commitment and a determination to be together until "death do us part". I realize that it doesn't always work out like that, but I don't know how a relationship could even have a chance of a lifetime commitment if it didn't start like that.

I'd bet the statistics of staying together when people don't get married go down dramatically over the years. When things get tough (and they generally do), it's much easier to walk away when you're not married. What do the kids tell their friends, "Uh, my parents aren't married because....". That would be embarrassing to try to explain as a kid, that their parents didn't have the commitment to get married, but sure, they really have a lifetime commitment. It shows proof to society that you are together, forever. The ring on your finger, that marriage....you'll be far happier that great looking guy you married (who is working with plenty of good looking babes), is known as the MARRIED guy. Not available. Unmarried usually means available, at a far greater level than married.

Now maybe this is idealistic, but it sure is a good place to start. And it's been working for me, married almost 25 years. As an adult, I can't imagine admitting to people that I wasn't married, but was with a long term "partner" of the father of my children.

Your view may sound reasonable to you now, but years and children down the road, I'll bet you change your mind.

Why do you feel ripped off?

I don't see any benefit to marriage. I have no problem committing my life to someone, but why do I need to get the courts and documents involved? That's my problem. To me, an official, legal marriage is really only for the benefits. I don't need a paper to validate my lifetime commitment to someone. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm not religious so I see it solely as a legal process.

I agree that there is no set age. People should get married when they're ready, I just don't know many 21 year old college juniors who are ready. I just really could not, in any universe, imagine planning a full-blown wedding right now! It's mind-blowing to me. I don't know where any one could find the time!

I will say that fwiw, if I end up getting a deal next year that includes health insurance for both my spouse and myself through my school (which is included in some of the assistantship/fellowship programs I've applied to) then the odds of my SO and I getting married shoot up considerably. We are both uninsured and come from mildly dysfunctional families. Not having insurance is kind of killer right now and it's next to impossible to afford private insurance on student wages. We will get "married" in legal terms only. The amount of people that would know would be very limited because it's really for the financial benefits. And that may sound terrible, but we aren't religious and have zero real interest in "marriage" other than for financial benefits. A life commitment would be more than enough for us without the courts and documentation if it weren't so necessary financially and legally to get legally married.

We'll have been living together for two years and will have made a cross-country move together at that point. That's more than my parents had under their belts when they got married and they've been going strong for ~20 years :).

I've been to Bocas del Toro. Nice place. Very cheap clothes. Very... um... interesting given the rest of Panama around it.

I'm struggling with this whole marriage thing right now. I have about zero interest in getting married but I feel very intense pressure from those around me to do it. I'm perfectly happy living with my SO and be labeled "partners". I cannot believe I'm feeling pressure at 21/22. The craziness of it all is just odd. I've talked to my mom about it (who wasn't married the first time until ~25) and she said it's a trend she can't understand.

I think part of it is because my generation was raised in such an unstable economy that we want the security of a marriage (or supposed security). I cannot believe how many friends I have getting married while still IN college. When your facebook statuses are alternating between "PLANNING THE HONEYMOON!" (and they really are) and "OMG this stats exam is going to KILL me." I think we have a problem...

We just discussed the book Guyland in my last class. I haven't read it, but it addresses the perpetual adolescence of men. I don't quite buy it but I really think it's a class thing as the author (Kimmel?) even states that he is looking solely at upper-middle class boy-men.

Wow, romani.  As a woman who wanted nothing to do with any kind of intense relationship in college (just felt I was not ready), and absolutely did not feel ready for marriage in my early twenties, I say----DO NOT feel pressured into it!!  I know kids in their twenties think they are all kinds of grown-up, but really and truly a person does not begin to know themselves until their late twenties. I hope both my sons do not marry until 28 and beyond.

I need to key myself more into the culture it seems: I have a vague feeling that there are shows revolving around moms and young daughters buying wedding dresses, etc.?  I know I saw on my younger son's friend's FB page a Tacori website link featured prominantly (engagement rings). This girl is, like my son, a first semester senior who has not dated anyone other than her high school boyfriend. I suppose the announcement will be coming soon!

As I may have expressed in a thread I started about my son's gf, I know she is already planning the wedding, with apparent blessings from her mother. (This, to me personally, makes me think this girl is nuts.) My H and I talked to my son and told him how important we felt it is to live on one's own, supporting oneself, having that experience of independence, at least for a year or two. There will be no other time like it--so young, your life ahead of you, relatively carefree.

I met my H at 29, and even then we lived together for two years (I think the stats proclaiming that marriages of people who lived together have a higher chance for divorce are flawed for many reasons, btw). I would not trade those years for anything--not to say there wasn't some pain included along the way.

Actually this article supports the idea that couples who marry in their early twenties are at higher risk for divorce, and that the later marriage occurs the less chance for divorce:

 

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/health/2002-01-28-starter-marriage.htm

The notion of "to death do us part" --another value fallen by the wayside since it's  based on those out-dated religious ideas, I suppose.

-- Edited by hope on Thursday 29th of November 2012 02:15:03 PM

Interesting article, but honestly....I don't know what young men they are talking about. I don't know any of those guys who are unmotivated, lounging around playing video games and watching porn, with not a care for the future. Every one I know, family, kids friends, friends sons.....are very motivated and working hard. The kids I know that are having a hard time finding a good job and living at home are doing so because of necessity, not because they are loungers. The economy is really tough in certain areas and occupations, and those kids are still working their butts off and trying hard to find a good job, hopefully they will do so soon.

And lp and I can tell these complaining ladies where to find a good man. It ain't the smooth talking care free guy that they find in a bar, a mall, a party or at the gym. They are looking in the wrong place.

Take a look at this fascinating article, as well as the comments, lp.

 

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/the-sorry-lives-and-confusing-times-of-today-s-young-men/